New Blog: New Mindset

After the weekend away in Sydney, hanging with some wonderful 12wbters, surviving (just) a Mish Bridges/Amelia Burton/Boot Camp training session and rocking on at the official party and the official after party...

I came to a few realisations and a big shift in mind space - so to celebrate I have created a new blog. :D

http://lanb2bme.blogspot.com/

Hope you can join me!

Week 10 - day 1. Re-commit

If only I could lose weight as quickly as I change my mind. :) This mind change wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for a lovely lady who gave me a much needed kick up the bottom (you know who you are Bozzy!).

My previous post was very one-sided. Of course, there are people I have befriended on this journey but I think I was looking for something more. I think I needed people to connect to on many different levels not just on the 12WBT challenge level. I really feel like I've done that now. Although my friend is far away, I will think of her when I'm out there trying to kick her ass in the new challenge she has set up.

So this is my official "I'm not really giving up" re-commit. I am determined to crack this nut and to get my weight down to a healthy weight range. And by nut, I mean my head! It is where the problems lie.

Physically I'm fine. Mentally is where I have the issues and seems to be the thing that is stopping my perfect body from operating the way I need it to to lose this weight.

So what am I going to do different this time - I am going to attempt to "juggernaut" myself -so even when I want to stop, I can't - I just keep going. I was doing really well and then it was like I couldn't deal with my success so started the sabotage.

I think part of the issue is that if I succeed at losing this weight, then I have to acknowledge I could have done this all along. I've been living in misery about my weight for years and years and years and I could have done something about it. There is a big fear around losing the weight that I need to let go of. What if I lose this weight and I'm still not happy?

The personal pay offs for me to losing this weight - are not clear to me. I think that if I lost weight - I'd feel happier with myself. I would find it easier to find clothes.

Part of the problems is that

**I feel I am physically capable of doing all the things I want to do at this weight. I have no desire to run a marathon, compete in a triathlon or have to exercise 5x a week for the rest of my life.

**I don't see any of the health implications for myself at this weight that others may have. Are they going to come? My doctor told me it's like I am carrying around a 40kg back pack ALL the time - placing extra strains on my joints etc that will wear down quicker over time.

**I have a partner who loves me no matter what size I am. I don't feel like I need to lose weight to maintain my relationship.

**In some ways, it is easier to stay where I am - emotionally and physically. I just don't think I am up to the constant mental changes in stopping my emotional eating and making myself exercise.

At the end of the day, there seems to be no real purpose to it all. A half-hearted desire to be 65kilos does not seem to be enough to get me out the door or make me eat right.

I really need to sit down and think about all this..... oh and why I am thinking about it - I think I might just go for a run as well!

Officially giving up.

I am so stuck right now. There are no great tragedies in my life, there is nothing wrong with me - I know it is all just mind games but I am right on the verge of complete "miserable-ness". Not just for 12WBT but for my whole life.

I'm not coping with anything much from finance to housework to friendships (I have none). My life has felt so empty since I moved to this place at the beginning of the year and I thought the 12WBT would go some way to filling that void. I thought regular exercise, concentrating on eating right and "making friends" through the 12WBT would help but ultimately it hasn't. It has just enlarged my isolation as I completely, totally and utterly fail at achieving anything - including making connections with people.

I get it - I understand - why would anyone want to be friends with such a whining, sad sack. The thing is I'm not always like this. And I tried so hard to be friendly, supportive etc to people but it just seems to be another thing I'm not good at.

If anything, I feel like my attempt to do the 12WBT has just shown what a failure I am and how pathetic I am at "making friends".

So now I officially give up. Although - realistically, I gave up about 2 weeks ago but was just in denial.

It hasn't left me with nothing - it's left me with the ability to make better food choices (although less of that has been happening recently), I have watched the journey of amazing people and it's given me hope that my mum is starting to make some small changes in her life that might see her reduce her 170kg weight down to ?? who knows.

It seems the sky's the limit - for everyone but me.

NOTE - Just read my previous post - Apparently I officially gave up in Week 7! Go me!

Rd3 Wk 7 - FAIL

Nope. Didn't do it. Not happening.

Food out the window - Exercise out the window. Care factor out the window and I can't get it back. I have officially given up on myself.

I feel so isolated and alone and I just don't function that way. I need to be with and around people. I need to feel like I am contributing something to society. I need to have friends... and it's just not happening.

Since I moved - I am out of sight, out of mind for my old friends. And I don't even have new friends.....

My study isn't working out. My work isn't working out. I do both of these things from home - BY MYSELF. At the moment I am just a voice in cyberspace and not even a very loud one....

There is more doubt in my head than ever - and not just about 12WBT, but about every little thing in my life.

I am so tired of doing everything on my own and in my own head. Ironically - even this blog.

I'm not asking for pity - I just needed to shout it out to the universe and listen to it quietly echo in the vast darkness.....

LOL! I am such a drama queen. : ) But that's just the way I roll.

Rd 3 Wk 4, 5 and 6 - Where IS my head at???

I don't even know where to begin with this blog. For starters, I really need to blog more regularly. Then I might have some answers for why my 12WBT behaviour has been so appalling the past week. Downright disgraceful, in fact!

First up the weigh ins:
Wk 2 100.0
Wk 3 100.4
Wk 4 100.7 (WTF??! - was completely devastated. Response: Knuckle down and work harder)
Wk 5: 98.6 (Massive sigh of relief that slowly turned in to a celebration!)
Wk 6: 98.2 (Don't know how this happened.. Not a good week.)

Exercise:
After an amazing Week 4 mini milestone, 12km in 2 hours over the rugged, cliffs of the Kiama coast walk, I was feeling pretty pumped!

But the last week (since Week 5 weigh in) NO EXERCISE. I am so completely disgusted with myself but I seem to have mentally hit a brick wall. My food is okay (not spot on) but my exercise is non-existent. And I honestly don't know when I am going to start up again.

I know I need to diarise it and make it non-negotiable but my whole life seems to be in a whirlpool at the moment and I just don't seem to be able to organise ANYTHING in my life, let alone my exercise.

I am waiting for circumstances to change (I know this is not a good idea). By Saturday I will have less people around me and I can actually sit down and get some head space. At the moment I can't do that and it is really what I need. As you may have worked out from my blog etc - I am a real headspace type of person. Everything comes down to the mind games. I am an over-thinker. And right now, my head needs time out!

I will be back on track this week. I will JFDI something today - even if I have to mind game myself with the 10min rule or "just go for a long walk" mind trick! After all, I have a lot to gain (or lose, depending on how you look at it!) by doing so.
:)

Rd 3 Week 2-3 Mish Messing with My IPOD??!

The last 2 weeks were the school holidays and my family (other half, 10yo daughter and 3yo daughter) spent it on the road.

Started off well and slowly went down hill. By the second week - I had given up on keeping track of food and definitely wasn't exercising... :( So disappointed in myself. But I could easily have had a much worse blow out.

I have definitely lost my mojo by not exercising for a week. I am definitely back to those "Oooh it's too hard" thoughts. Never fear though, I have that JFDI card in the back pocket!!!! Hoorah!!! Boxing tonight -whether I like it or not!!! ;)

So back to the title of this post??!! One of the positives of the past two weeks is that I still did a weeks worth of C25K runs while I was away. I intended to start at Week 2 after doing a test run at home. I got to Adelaide, got up nice and early the next morning, stuck my ipod on and went to start the Week 2 podcast - it wasn't there!!! Only days before I had run it with the very same ipod. Very strange. So I started with Week 3! The only conclusion that I could come to was that Mish had been in there and removed Week 2, knowing what I was truly capable of!! So this week I'm going to hit Week 4...... Eeek!

I am feeling very up and down right now, but I am at home again and definitely have NO excuses for not exercising or eating right, other than pure laziness. So I have a lot of videos, posts and friend's journeys to catch up on, as well as staying true to the course.

Time to concentrate on SMASHING that 100 kilo barrier and getting up to that 5km run. Hope you have all had a great 2 weeks and are not giving up just yet.
Xox

Day 2- 6 The Low, The High, The Roadblock and The Success

What a crazy week this one has been!

Wednesday, day 3, definitely had the highest of highs and lowest of lows!!

The Low
First up! A 1.1 kilo GAIN on my first weigh in.... A GAIN???! Devestated, gutted but gave myself a pep talk and got over it. Focus on the rest of the day and the rest of the week. Posted it on the forums that it might help those disheartened by any gains or small losses.

Another couple of hours later in the car, the tears and recriminations started. "Look at everyone else's success. I'm just going to fail at this again.." Waah, waah, waah. About half way in to this thought spiral - I gave myself a mental slap! CONSISTENCY - stay consistent and it will come - just like it has for everyone else. Even better I can still make my goal of losing 20 kilos - with CONSISTENCY. So since then, I have had my best eating week ever and I have exercised every day!

The High

What could be any higher for a 12wbter than meeting MISH!!!! As soon as I heard that Mish was speaking in Wollongong (an hour's drive North from me!) I KNEW I had to go. How could I not with her so tantalisingly close! And it was so worth it! Not just for the opportunity to quickly speak to Mish but also to be able to meet Leigh and Libby!! It was so lovely to meet them and Mish's talk was just lovely and emotional and perfect. Drilling home some of those things we learn the 12WBT! And most importantly, I didn't leave without that all important #photowithMish ;) I drove home on Cloud nine!

The Road Block

This one hit home to me on Day 5 as I confronted doing the 1km run. I squirmed and I wormed and delayed. Running is a huge mental road block for me.

It goes back to my Air Force days, a couple of miserable years in my life and THE 2.4km run. As soon as I think about running a big fat FAILURE sign flashes up in my head. It's all I can do to get myself to walk out the door. So ignoring all those negative thoughts I got out there and did my 1km run (Same as end of Rd2 7 minutes 5 seconds later...). My mind was screaming at me the whole way "you can't do this" - don't really know how much of it I ran or how much I walked but I don't really care. The important thing to me was that I ran some of it and I did it. Which brings me to.....

The Success

After much (and I mean much) faffing around, I talked myself in to doing the C25K. As I am an "intermediate", I decided to break myself in by doing Week 2 (90sec running/2 min walking intervals seemed as doable as anything). The result: I did it! (The title prob gave it away..) Honestly, I thought flying to the moon was just as possible as me being able to do this but there you go. I have discovered my mind is strong enough to defeat my limiting self-beliefs. :)

So a big week with one more day to go. I feel tomorrow will be another high as I meet up with some fellow 12wbters and go for a bit of a walk! WOOHOO!! Can't wait.

Day 1 - The Art of JFDI

So day 1 - I should be pumped! Ready to kick it - right???

I sure was! For the first half of the day anyway; then it began to drag. I felt like I was never going to get to my boxing class and by the time it came around I had argued with my other half and I just wanted to lock myself away and cry.

Then I realised I had splattered pumpkin soup all over my work out top - nothing else to change in to so I got out the wet cloth and fixed that.

Then I couldn't find my heart rate monitor and still all I wanted to do was cry. I kept telling myself just get in the car and go for a drive. Make yourself feel better.

Also there a couple of skinny minnie young girls (prob 18-20) in the boxing class who like to stare at me and giggle behind their hands at me. (This is not just paranoia but I have chosen to ignore them.) The last thing I wanted to do was burst in to tears while exercising in front of them.

So I had every reason "in my mind" not to go. I walked out the door with everything I needed to go to the gym while thinking in my head I am just going to go for a drive, maybe get a coffee and take some time out for me.

But somehow I couldn't drive past the gym, I found myself in the car park and still dragging my feet - I walked in. Encouragingly, there were some brand new people there that I was able to encourage and I made the effort to chat with an older lady there. My heart was still not in it. I still wanted to walk away.. but I didn't.

I worked #@*& hard! I burnt 713 Calories in just under an hour and when I noticed the girls having their usual giggle I just worked harder.

NOBODY OR ANYTHING is going to stop me from getting to where I want to be. I will not let my emotions get in the way, I will not let other people's attitudes get in the way and I will not give up.

I have a size 16 t-shirt waiting for me with Never, ever, ever give up on it - and that is what I'll be doing!! I won't be wearing it for long though, because I'll be reaching for the Size 14 top next!!

Face Full of Tears

So back to my break through moment.

I found myself bawling my eyes out again....

The catalyst was a reply from Mish to me on one of the forums. She gave me the answers I already knew (as well as a good kick up the backside!)and all I could think was so why? Why is this still an issue? I know this, I shouldn't need someone else to tell me. And it dawned on me that I do know what I have to do(thanks to Mish)and I do have the ability to do it. And I immediately wanted to run the other way and not do it but than an even deeper urge kicked in and there was a knowledge that I am going to do this..... that made me feel even worse than running away.

I think it's because I'm actually crossing that barrier of believing in myself. Of believing that I can get to a healthy weight. Up until today I have been thinking I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel but I've changed the goal posts because I know I am going to lose this weight once and for all. I realised the whole "I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel" thing was lip service. It was a "I'll get there when I get there" type goal and it wasn't moving me forward.


So I am setting myself a definite goal. I am going to lose 42 kilos to get my weight down to 60 kilos. And I will NEVER be here again. And that realisation completely overwhelmed me..... Why do I feel so scared about losing this weight? Why does believing I can achieve this make me feel like I am exposing myself? That really, deep down I am a fraud and won't get there.... That when I get there, I still won't be happy.... OMG!!! These tears have been releasing all that. Letting them go and I feel like that on the other side of these tears is real hope, real "destiny" (for want of a better word), real determination and, for once, real self-belief.

I'm not stopping. Ever. I am going to be 60 kilos and I will be 60 kilos (give or take a couple of kilos) for the rest of my life because I deserve it. (Even typing that makes me want to cry....uuuurrrrgggghhh!!)

Not believing in myself, not believing that I deserve it - got me to where I am today. I'm ready to push past it - fear or no fear, tears or no tears. It's time for me to come out on top.

My name is Lee-Ann Baker and I am going to lose 42 kilos in weight. I don't know how long it is going to take me but I am going to get there, day by day, week by week - making good food choices and training hard. And I'm going to do it with Team 12WBT - start together and finish together.

Tribute to the greatest Blog Post in the world..... (with apologies to Tenacious D)

Seriously, I just wrote the greatest Blog post in the world and then I accidently closed the browser window and lost it....

It was a breakthrough moment about Mish-inspired realisations, self-belief and determination and I'm not sure I can recapture the emotion and the tears.....

*sigh*

I will have to try again later....

(BTW this is in jest. Obviously it wasn't the greatest blog post in the world... but it could have been..... ;) )

My commitment

It's 10pm at night and all day and all evening I have put off doing the strength session I promised myself I would do.... I feel like if I don't do this tonight it is going to be easier and easier to put off every session that comes up.

I can't afford to skip sessions because it is too hard for me to play catch up. I can't afford to skip sessions because it will become easier to skip sessions and then I will be back where I started "doing the best I can".

So I am going to do this session now and in the morning - I will appreciate my sore muscles and be prepared to get stuck in to my core session.

What was that catch cry again? No more excuses... yep, definitely no more excuses.

A Week of Doing It!

This is just a quick note to say that after a week of complete dedication to the program (especially the eating) I have lost 1.6 kilos. This was more than my final weight loss for Round 2. (I went up and down, up and down as I flailed around, failing to commit). I am now at 102 precisely.

WOW! Why did it take me so long to learn the lesson? I don't know. But it doesn't matter. I'm all set for Round 3.

I've got to do my pre-season tasks but I will get on to them over the next few days and be super ready for kick off on Monday. Let's see if I can shift another kilo between now and then!!! ; )

How are you doing??

I'm out of excuses! Preparing to free fall!

I came to the realisation this week that I have been too easy on myself.

I have really missed out on achieving some really great things in the past 12 weeks because I have been too easy on myself. Accepted the excuses of it's all too hard.

They say that "where there is a will, there is a way." Evidently, I didn't have the will. If I did, I would have done it.

I was offended when someone said to me; "It depends how badly you want it."
"Of course I want it. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't want it" I told myself "but...."

Aaaahhhh but.... qualifying my want. But - I'm struggling with other things in my life. It's all too hard.

WOW. Really? Am I not able to fit in one hour a day to exercise? Am I not capable of putting one foot in front of the other? Am I not capable of not putting that bad food choice in my mouth?

After years of depression and self hatred, I have gone from being extremely hard on myself and hating myself to being incredibly soft; accepting myself and forgiving myself for every little thing. "It's okay. I haven't got the emotional capacity for this." What B.S.

I am in a good place mentally. I have a supportive partner. I am physically able. I have a flexible working and studying schedule. I have no more excuses.

Perhaps the only reason I have not achieved is because I didn't want to - really.


Many, many years ago, I stood at the door of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with two instructors by my side, about to do my first jump. My heart was pounding and there was a feeling of absolute fear. I was about to open my mouth to back out of it when I found myself free-falling. Rushing towards the ground and the half day training I had done that morning kicked in. I got the thumbs up from my instructor and pulled the chute and then I was all alone. Floating by myself in the sky, watching the sun set. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.

As I look towards Round 3 - I have that same fear but not because I'm going to back out. It's knowing I'm going to do it, but I have no idea what it is going to bring. What is it going to bring to my life? I am scared of the change. I am scared of not having any more excuses. I am scared of the consequences; of succeeding. BUT this time I am also excited. I have seen the incredible and inspirational changes that have come about from the hard work and determination of fellow 12WBTers and I am ready to reap the rewards for my hard work too. I'm ready to jump and to see what it brings.

What happened???

Wow! I honestly don't know where the last 2 months have gone..... And here I am, only a smidgen closer to my weight loss goals and a mile away from my fitness goals.

Right from the beginning, I have managed to make excuses. I have to recognise I am stronger than my self-defeating excuses and that I can do so much more.

I honestly feel like I am going to pull through with Round 3. Round 2 has set me up with a new mindset. I have seen other people push themselves above and beyond (MrsHethro....) and achieve incredible results. I want to be there beside them. I want to be an achiever too and I am sick and tired of being the 100 kilo person.

My goal for Round 3 is to bust through the 100s and even the 90s and get well in to the 80s!!! I'm going to set one of those BHAG (BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOALS) that Mish keeps talking about. Time to hit a new high (or new low, as I prefer to think about it...).

I understand what it is going to take this time. So I am going to push through and DO IT!!!!

Reality Hits.

Okay. I am not "with the program" at the moment. I literally have too much on my plate and that is just life at the moment. I struggle to organise my own daily life without the addition of a new exercise plan and meal plan. I am incorporating the meals as much as possible and putting away serves in the freezer (definitely making the lasagne again! YUM!).

As for the exercise - I have a new "virtual" exercise partner! We have set a date for this Sunday and we are going to do this together via SKYPE!!-we will exercise our butts off and enjoy doing it. She has made me promise not to laugh at her but I hope we do have a few laughs together - I could do with that.

I don't see that me saying there is too much on my plate right now is an excuse for not following the program completely but it is my reality right now. To do this program requires more time than I have available to me and I can't put things on hold. I have so much to clear out in my life so I am making the changes I can and pushing through.

I will get there in the end.

Black hole and Good Intentions

So I wandered in to a black hole of excuses and "time issues", just in time for the beginning of the 12WBT.

I am beginning to wonder if I can take myself at my word! Can I trust myself? Who am I trying to impress by making all these grand statements about what I will or won't do? I thought by saying it, it would make me do it.... Not so far. But it has been good to look at the words I have written because they were written with good intent and they are good words. They are true to what I want but they haven't moved from words to action. These words are going to move me out of the black hole and get my mind in the right place. I am most of the way there with my food, now the exercise has to follow.

Eight days in to the challenge and I have done my first proper session of exercise, in my house. I can do that every day. I have no excuse. I can always find an hour in the day to put in some hard fitness and I will in future. I have also come to recognise that I need the gym.

I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to join up at a local gym. It was what kept me training for 12 months and I miss it so badly. I need the companionship, I need the challenge, I need someone to be impressed. The rest of my world is so virtual at the moment - I work alone over the internet for someone interstate, I study by correspondence, I have so little human contact outside my immediate family that I don't think I can do this challenge virtually as well. I need human contact to help keep me accountable and to push me to my limits! It is the only way to go ahead.

I am going to crawl my way out of this black hole by reflecting on my good intentions and turning them in to action. Woooohooooo!

Roller Coasters and Masks

So it's been a few days since I last blogged..... I have had so many ups and downs over the past week and a bit that I just simply haven't wanted to document the roller coaster ride each day!

One of the ups is that I am really pleased I have kicked my diet soft drink habit. I'm 9 days in and have had to forcibly stop myself from seeking out "something" to put in my mouth when I've felt stressed or bored. It particularly hit home at work where I would normally drink 3-4 cans of diet soft drink a day!

Without it, I have realised how bored I am at work and how quick I am to "mask" those feelings with eating and/or drinking. With such a simple change comes a whole heap of clear thinking. I am so much more aware of how often I am feeling certain things and have started addressing them instead of masking them with food and/or drink.

One of the downs is that I haven't exercised since I joined the challenge. It has been about 6 months since I last properly exercised. The really disappointing part is that I was exercising 5-6 times a week for a whole year prior to this current lull and now I feel too intimidated by my own feats of the past to get back in to it. I can feel the disappointment before I even set foot out there, that I have lost all the fitness I worked so hard for - it is particularly evident in the weight I have put back on - 15 kilos in the last 6 months.

So while I continue on this roller coaster ride, I'm going to make the commitment that never again in my life will a whole week pass when I have not at least exercised once and most weeks at least 3-4 times a week.

Why? Because I am worth it and so is everyone else on this challenge. You are worth every minute you take to improve yourself.

Getting Real

I think I may have a new addiction coming on - The 12WBT Forums! Everyone I have "met" so far has been very supportive and very informative. I am looking forward to the challenge to begin and think I am getting in to the right head space. Hoorah!

So part of getting real for me is acknowledging what I have done to myself over the past 7 months. I've gone from someone who was exercising 4-6 times a week to no exercise at all for the past 6 months. I have virtually regained the 15 kilos I lost last year. My disappointment is palpable. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I need my energy for getting back on track.

The scales informed me this morning that I have hit 105 kilos.. Ouch. Reality hurts.

I will be measuring my centimetres too because I don't lose weight easily. Last year in a period of 3 months I only lost 6.5 kilos but went from a Size 20 to a Size 16. I lost heaps of centimetres from my tummy, thighs and waist as I built heaps of muscle.

So, it's time to get real. No more dwelling in the glories or failures of the past but focus on the now and get my butt moving!

Journey Begins Again

I don't think I can count the number of times I've been at this place.

Believing this will be the last time I'm ever going to diet. That I'm going to reach my goal.

Now my goal is self-satisfaction, it's not just about getting fitter or losing weight. It's about being happy and being happy to be me. Perhaps the rest will follow. Perhaps not.

Don't get me wrong - I'm going to be exercising like a crazed woman (there have been times in the past I've actually enjoyed that) and striving to eat the healthiest I can but my goal is not to be thin or healthy or fit, my goal within all that is to be at peace with myself and to find the happiness with myself that has evaded me for so long!

I'm going to do this to get back to being the person I want to be. The person I want to present to the world instead of hiding behind these layers of fat.