Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Blog: New Mindset

After the weekend away in Sydney, hanging with some wonderful 12wbters, surviving (just) a Mish Bridges/Amelia Burton/Boot Camp training session and rocking on at the official party and the official after party...

I came to a few realisations and a big shift in mind space - so to celebrate I have created a new blog. :D


Hope you can join me!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Week 10 - day 1. Re-commit

If only I could lose weight as quickly as I change my mind. :) This mind change wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for a lovely lady who gave me a much needed kick up the bottom (you know who you are Bozzy!).

My previous post was very one-sided. Of course, there are people I have befriended on this journey but I think I was looking for something more. I think I needed people to connect to on many different levels not just on the 12WBT challenge level. I really feel like I've done that now. Although my friend is far away, I will think of her when I'm out there trying to kick her ass in the new challenge she has set up.

So this is my official "I'm not really giving up" re-commit. I am determined to crack this nut and to get my weight down to a healthy weight range. And by nut, I mean my head! It is where the problems lie.

Physically I'm fine. Mentally is where I have the issues and seems to be the thing that is stopping my perfect body from operating the way I need it to to lose this weight.

So what am I going to do different this time - I am going to attempt to "juggernaut" myself -so even when I want to stop, I can't - I just keep going. I was doing really well and then it was like I couldn't deal with my success so started the sabotage.

I think part of the issue is that if I succeed at losing this weight, then I have to acknowledge I could have done this all along. I've been living in misery about my weight for years and years and years and I could have done something about it. There is a big fear around losing the weight that I need to let go of. What if I lose this weight and I'm still not happy?

The personal pay offs for me to losing this weight - are not clear to me. I think that if I lost weight - I'd feel happier with myself. I would find it easier to find clothes.

Part of the problems is that

**I feel I am physically capable of doing all the things I want to do at this weight. I have no desire to run a marathon, compete in a triathlon or have to exercise 5x a week for the rest of my life.

**I don't see any of the health implications for myself at this weight that others may have. Are they going to come? My doctor told me it's like I am carrying around a 40kg back pack ALL the time - placing extra strains on my joints etc that will wear down quicker over time.

**I have a partner who loves me no matter what size I am. I don't feel like I need to lose weight to maintain my relationship.

**In some ways, it is easier to stay where I am - emotionally and physically. I just don't think I am up to the constant mental changes in stopping my emotional eating and making myself exercise.

At the end of the day, there seems to be no real purpose to it all. A half-hearted desire to be 65kilos does not seem to be enough to get me out the door or make me eat right.

I really need to sit down and think about all this..... oh and why I am thinking about it - I think I might just go for a run as well!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Officially giving up.

I am so stuck right now. There are no great tragedies in my life, there is nothing wrong with me - I know it is all just mind games but I am right on the verge of complete "miserable-ness". Not just for 12WBT but for my whole life.

I'm not coping with anything much from finance to housework to friendships (I have none). My life has felt so empty since I moved to this place at the beginning of the year and I thought the 12WBT would go some way to filling that void. I thought regular exercise, concentrating on eating right and "making friends" through the 12WBT would help but ultimately it hasn't. It has just enlarged my isolation as I completely, totally and utterly fail at achieving anything - including making connections with people.

I get it - I understand - why would anyone want to be friends with such a whining, sad sack. The thing is I'm not always like this. And I tried so hard to be friendly, supportive etc to people but it just seems to be another thing I'm not good at.

If anything, I feel like my attempt to do the 12WBT has just shown what a failure I am and how pathetic I am at "making friends".

So now I officially give up. Although - realistically, I gave up about 2 weeks ago but was just in denial.

It hasn't left me with nothing - it's left me with the ability to make better food choices (although less of that has been happening recently), I have watched the journey of amazing people and it's given me hope that my mum is starting to make some small changes in her life that might see her reduce her 170kg weight down to ?? who knows.

It seems the sky's the limit - for everyone but me.

NOTE - Just read my previous post - Apparently I officially gave up in Week 7! Go me!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Rd3 Wk 7 - FAIL

Nope. Didn't do it. Not happening.

Food out the window - Exercise out the window. Care factor out the window and I can't get it back. I have officially given up on myself.

I feel so isolated and alone and I just don't function that way. I need to be with and around people. I need to feel like I am contributing something to society. I need to have friends... and it's just not happening.

Since I moved - I am out of sight, out of mind for my old friends. And I don't even have new friends.....

My study isn't working out. My work isn't working out. I do both of these things from home - BY MYSELF. At the moment I am just a voice in cyberspace and not even a very loud one....

There is more doubt in my head than ever - and not just about 12WBT, but about every little thing in my life.

I am so tired of doing everything on my own and in my own head. Ironically - even this blog.

I'm not asking for pity - I just needed to shout it out to the universe and listen to it quietly echo in the vast darkness.....

LOL! I am such a drama queen. : ) But that's just the way I roll.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Rd 3 Wk 4, 5 and 6 - Where IS my head at???

I don't even know where to begin with this blog. For starters, I really need to blog more regularly. Then I might have some answers for why my 12WBT behaviour has been so appalling the past week. Downright disgraceful, in fact!

First up the weigh ins:
Wk 2 100.0
Wk 3 100.4
Wk 4 100.7 (WTF??! - was completely devastated. Response: Knuckle down and work harder)
Wk 5: 98.6 (Massive sigh of relief that slowly turned in to a celebration!)
Wk 6: 98.2 (Don't know how this happened.. Not a good week.)

After an amazing Week 4 mini milestone, 12km in 2 hours over the rugged, cliffs of the Kiama coast walk, I was feeling pretty pumped!

But the last week (since Week 5 weigh in) NO EXERCISE. I am so completely disgusted with myself but I seem to have mentally hit a brick wall. My food is okay (not spot on) but my exercise is non-existent. And I honestly don't know when I am going to start up again.

I know I need to diarise it and make it non-negotiable but my whole life seems to be in a whirlpool at the moment and I just don't seem to be able to organise ANYTHING in my life, let alone my exercise.

I am waiting for circumstances to change (I know this is not a good idea). By Saturday I will have less people around me and I can actually sit down and get some head space. At the moment I can't do that and it is really what I need. As you may have worked out from my blog etc - I am a real headspace type of person. Everything comes down to the mind games. I am an over-thinker. And right now, my head needs time out!

I will be back on track this week. I will JFDI something today - even if I have to mind game myself with the 10min rule or "just go for a long walk" mind trick! After all, I have a lot to gain (or lose, depending on how you look at it!) by doing so.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Rd 3 Week 2-3 Mish Messing with My IPOD??!

The last 2 weeks were the school holidays and my family (other half, 10yo daughter and 3yo daughter) spent it on the road.

Started off well and slowly went down hill. By the second week - I had given up on keeping track of food and definitely wasn't exercising... :( So disappointed in myself. But I could easily have had a much worse blow out.

I have definitely lost my mojo by not exercising for a week. I am definitely back to those "Oooh it's too hard" thoughts. Never fear though, I have that JFDI card in the back pocket!!!! Hoorah!!! Boxing tonight -whether I like it or not!!! ;)

So back to the title of this post??!! One of the positives of the past two weeks is that I still did a weeks worth of C25K runs while I was away. I intended to start at Week 2 after doing a test run at home. I got to Adelaide, got up nice and early the next morning, stuck my ipod on and went to start the Week 2 podcast - it wasn't there!!! Only days before I had run it with the very same ipod. Very strange. So I started with Week 3! The only conclusion that I could come to was that Mish had been in there and removed Week 2, knowing what I was truly capable of!! So this week I'm going to hit Week 4...... Eeek!

I am feeling very up and down right now, but I am at home again and definitely have NO excuses for not exercising or eating right, other than pure laziness. So I have a lot of videos, posts and friend's journeys to catch up on, as well as staying true to the course.

Time to concentrate on SMASHING that 100 kilo barrier and getting up to that 5km run. Hope you have all had a great 2 weeks and are not giving up just yet.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Day 2- 6 The Low, The High, The Roadblock and The Success

What a crazy week this one has been!

Wednesday, day 3, definitely had the highest of highs and lowest of lows!!

The Low
First up! A 1.1 kilo GAIN on my first weigh in.... A GAIN???! Devestated, gutted but gave myself a pep talk and got over it. Focus on the rest of the day and the rest of the week. Posted it on the forums that it might help those disheartened by any gains or small losses.

Another couple of hours later in the car, the tears and recriminations started. "Look at everyone else's success. I'm just going to fail at this again.." Waah, waah, waah. About half way in to this thought spiral - I gave myself a mental slap! CONSISTENCY - stay consistent and it will come - just like it has for everyone else. Even better I can still make my goal of losing 20 kilos - with CONSISTENCY. So since then, I have had my best eating week ever and I have exercised every day!

The High

What could be any higher for a 12wbter than meeting MISH!!!! As soon as I heard that Mish was speaking in Wollongong (an hour's drive North from me!) I KNEW I had to go. How could I not with her so tantalisingly close! And it was so worth it! Not just for the opportunity to quickly speak to Mish but also to be able to meet Leigh and Libby!! It was so lovely to meet them and Mish's talk was just lovely and emotional and perfect. Drilling home some of those things we learn the 12WBT! And most importantly, I didn't leave without that all important #photowithMish ;) I drove home on Cloud nine!

The Road Block

This one hit home to me on Day 5 as I confronted doing the 1km run. I squirmed and I wormed and delayed. Running is a huge mental road block for me.

It goes back to my Air Force days, a couple of miserable years in my life and THE 2.4km run. As soon as I think about running a big fat FAILURE sign flashes up in my head. It's all I can do to get myself to walk out the door. So ignoring all those negative thoughts I got out there and did my 1km run (Same as end of Rd2 7 minutes 5 seconds later...). My mind was screaming at me the whole way "you can't do this" - don't really know how much of it I ran or how much I walked but I don't really care. The important thing to me was that I ran some of it and I did it. Which brings me to.....

The Success

After much (and I mean much) faffing around, I talked myself in to doing the C25K. As I am an "intermediate", I decided to break myself in by doing Week 2 (90sec running/2 min walking intervals seemed as doable as anything). The result: I did it! (The title prob gave it away..) Honestly, I thought flying to the moon was just as possible as me being able to do this but there you go. I have discovered my mind is strong enough to defeat my limiting self-beliefs. :)

So a big week with one more day to go. I feel tomorrow will be another high as I meet up with some fellow 12wbters and go for a bit of a walk! WOOHOO!! Can't wait.