If only I could lose weight as quickly as I change my mind. :) This mind change wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for a lovely lady who gave me a much needed kick up the bottom (you know who you are Bozzy!).
My previous post was very one-sided. Of course, there are people I have befriended on this journey but I think I was looking for something more. I think I needed people to connect to on many different levels not just on the 12WBT challenge level. I really feel like I've done that now. Although my friend is far away, I will think of her when I'm out there trying to kick her ass in the new challenge she has set up.
So this is my official "I'm not really giving up" re-commit. I am determined to crack this nut and to get my weight down to a healthy weight range. And by nut, I mean my head! It is where the problems lie.
Physically I'm fine. Mentally is where I have the issues and seems to be the thing that is stopping my perfect body from operating the way I need it to to lose this weight.
So what am I going to do different this time - I am going to attempt to "juggernaut" myself -so even when I want to stop, I can't - I just keep going. I was doing really well and then it was like I couldn't deal with my success so started the sabotage.
I think part of the issue is that if I succeed at losing this weight, then I have to acknowledge I could have done this all along. I've been living in misery about my weight for years and years and years and I could have done something about it. There is a big fear around losing the weight that I need to let go of. What if I lose this weight and I'm still not happy?
The personal pay offs for me to losing this weight - are not clear to me. I think that if I lost weight - I'd feel happier with myself. I would find it easier to find clothes.
Part of the problems is that
**I feel I am physically capable of doing all the things I want to do at this weight. I have no desire to run a marathon, compete in a triathlon or have to exercise 5x a week for the rest of my life.
**I don't see any of the health implications for myself at this weight that others may have. Are they going to come? My doctor told me it's like I am carrying around a 40kg back pack ALL the time - placing extra strains on my joints etc that will wear down quicker over time.
**I have a partner who loves me no matter what size I am. I don't feel like I need to lose weight to maintain my relationship.
**In some ways, it is easier to stay where I am - emotionally and physically. I just don't think I am up to the constant mental changes in stopping my emotional eating and making myself exercise.
At the end of the day, there seems to be no real purpose to it all. A half-hearted desire to be 65kilos does not seem to be enough to get me out the door or make me eat right.
I really need to sit down and think about all this..... oh and why I am thinking about it - I think I might just go for a run as well!