Saturday, September 25, 2010

Day 2- 6 The Low, The High, The Roadblock and The Success

What a crazy week this one has been!

Wednesday, day 3, definitely had the highest of highs and lowest of lows!!

The Low
First up! A 1.1 kilo GAIN on my first weigh in.... A GAIN???! Devestated, gutted but gave myself a pep talk and got over it. Focus on the rest of the day and the rest of the week. Posted it on the forums that it might help those disheartened by any gains or small losses.

Another couple of hours later in the car, the tears and recriminations started. "Look at everyone else's success. I'm just going to fail at this again.." Waah, waah, waah. About half way in to this thought spiral - I gave myself a mental slap! CONSISTENCY - stay consistent and it will come - just like it has for everyone else. Even better I can still make my goal of losing 20 kilos - with CONSISTENCY. So since then, I have had my best eating week ever and I have exercised every day!

The High

What could be any higher for a 12wbter than meeting MISH!!!! As soon as I heard that Mish was speaking in Wollongong (an hour's drive North from me!) I KNEW I had to go. How could I not with her so tantalisingly close! And it was so worth it! Not just for the opportunity to quickly speak to Mish but also to be able to meet Leigh and Libby!! It was so lovely to meet them and Mish's talk was just lovely and emotional and perfect. Drilling home some of those things we learn the 12WBT! And most importantly, I didn't leave without that all important #photowithMish ;) I drove home on Cloud nine!

The Road Block

This one hit home to me on Day 5 as I confronted doing the 1km run. I squirmed and I wormed and delayed. Running is a huge mental road block for me.

It goes back to my Air Force days, a couple of miserable years in my life and THE 2.4km run. As soon as I think about running a big fat FAILURE sign flashes up in my head. It's all I can do to get myself to walk out the door. So ignoring all those negative thoughts I got out there and did my 1km run (Same as end of Rd2 7 minutes 5 seconds later...). My mind was screaming at me the whole way "you can't do this" - don't really know how much of it I ran or how much I walked but I don't really care. The important thing to me was that I ran some of it and I did it. Which brings me to.....

The Success

After much (and I mean much) faffing around, I talked myself in to doing the C25K. As I am an "intermediate", I decided to break myself in by doing Week 2 (90sec running/2 min walking intervals seemed as doable as anything). The result: I did it! (The title prob gave it away..) Honestly, I thought flying to the moon was just as possible as me being able to do this but there you go. I have discovered my mind is strong enough to defeat my limiting self-beliefs. :)

So a big week with one more day to go. I feel tomorrow will be another high as I meet up with some fellow 12wbters and go for a bit of a walk! WOOHOO!! Can't wait.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Day 1 - The Art of JFDI

So day 1 - I should be pumped! Ready to kick it - right???

I sure was! For the first half of the day anyway; then it began to drag. I felt like I was never going to get to my boxing class and by the time it came around I had argued with my other half and I just wanted to lock myself away and cry.

Then I realised I had splattered pumpkin soup all over my work out top - nothing else to change in to so I got out the wet cloth and fixed that.

Then I couldn't find my heart rate monitor and still all I wanted to do was cry. I kept telling myself just get in the car and go for a drive. Make yourself feel better.

Also there a couple of skinny minnie young girls (prob 18-20) in the boxing class who like to stare at me and giggle behind their hands at me. (This is not just paranoia but I have chosen to ignore them.) The last thing I wanted to do was burst in to tears while exercising in front of them.

So I had every reason "in my mind" not to go. I walked out the door with everything I needed to go to the gym while thinking in my head I am just going to go for a drive, maybe get a coffee and take some time out for me.

But somehow I couldn't drive past the gym, I found myself in the car park and still dragging my feet - I walked in. Encouragingly, there were some brand new people there that I was able to encourage and I made the effort to chat with an older lady there. My heart was still not in it. I still wanted to walk away.. but I didn't.

I worked #@*& hard! I burnt 713 Calories in just under an hour and when I noticed the girls having their usual giggle I just worked harder.

NOBODY OR ANYTHING is going to stop me from getting to where I want to be. I will not let my emotions get in the way, I will not let other people's attitudes get in the way and I will not give up.

I have a size 16 t-shirt waiting for me with Never, ever, ever give up on it - and that is what I'll be doing!! I won't be wearing it for long though, because I'll be reaching for the Size 14 top next!!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Face Full of Tears

So back to my break through moment.

I found myself bawling my eyes out again....

The catalyst was a reply from Mish to me on one of the forums. She gave me the answers I already knew (as well as a good kick up the backside!)and all I could think was so why? Why is this still an issue? I know this, I shouldn't need someone else to tell me. And it dawned on me that I do know what I have to do(thanks to Mish)and I do have the ability to do it. And I immediately wanted to run the other way and not do it but than an even deeper urge kicked in and there was a knowledge that I am going to do this..... that made me feel even worse than running away.

I think it's because I'm actually crossing that barrier of believing in myself. Of believing that I can get to a healthy weight. Up until today I have been thinking I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel but I've changed the goal posts because I know I am going to lose this weight once and for all. I realised the whole "I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel" thing was lip service. It was a "I'll get there when I get there" type goal and it wasn't moving me forward.

So I am setting myself a definite goal. I am going to lose 42 kilos to get my weight down to 60 kilos. And I will NEVER be here again. And that realisation completely overwhelmed me..... Why do I feel so scared about losing this weight? Why does believing I can achieve this make me feel like I am exposing myself? That really, deep down I am a fraud and won't get there.... That when I get there, I still won't be happy.... OMG!!! These tears have been releasing all that. Letting them go and I feel like that on the other side of these tears is real hope, real "destiny" (for want of a better word), real determination and, for once, real self-belief.

I'm not stopping. Ever. I am going to be 60 kilos and I will be 60 kilos (give or take a couple of kilos) for the rest of my life because I deserve it. (Even typing that makes me want to cry....uuuurrrrgggghhh!!)

Not believing in myself, not believing that I deserve it - got me to where I am today. I'm ready to push past it - fear or no fear, tears or no tears. It's time for me to come out on top.

My name is Lee-Ann Baker and I am going to lose 42 kilos in weight. I don't know how long it is going to take me but I am going to get there, day by day, week by week - making good food choices and training hard. And I'm going to do it with Team 12WBT - start together and finish together.

Tribute to the greatest Blog Post in the world..... (with apologies to Tenacious D)

Seriously, I just wrote the greatest Blog post in the world and then I accidently closed the browser window and lost it....

It was a breakthrough moment about Mish-inspired realisations, self-belief and determination and I'm not sure I can recapture the emotion and the tears.....


I will have to try again later....

(BTW this is in jest. Obviously it wasn't the greatest blog post in the world... but it could have been..... ;) )

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My commitment

It's 10pm at night and all day and all evening I have put off doing the strength session I promised myself I would do.... I feel like if I don't do this tonight it is going to be easier and easier to put off every session that comes up.

I can't afford to skip sessions because it is too hard for me to play catch up. I can't afford to skip sessions because it will become easier to skip sessions and then I will be back where I started "doing the best I can".

So I am going to do this session now and in the morning - I will appreciate my sore muscles and be prepared to get stuck in to my core session.

What was that catch cry again? No more excuses... yep, definitely no more excuses.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Week of Doing It!

This is just a quick note to say that after a week of complete dedication to the program (especially the eating) I have lost 1.6 kilos. This was more than my final weight loss for Round 2. (I went up and down, up and down as I flailed around, failing to commit). I am now at 102 precisely.

WOW! Why did it take me so long to learn the lesson? I don't know. But it doesn't matter. I'm all set for Round 3.

I've got to do my pre-season tasks but I will get on to them over the next few days and be super ready for kick off on Monday. Let's see if I can shift another kilo between now and then!!! ; )

How are you doing??

Sunday, September 5, 2010

I'm out of excuses! Preparing to free fall!

I came to the realisation this week that I have been too easy on myself.

I have really missed out on achieving some really great things in the past 12 weeks because I have been too easy on myself. Accepted the excuses of it's all too hard.

They say that "where there is a will, there is a way." Evidently, I didn't have the will. If I did, I would have done it.

I was offended when someone said to me; "It depends how badly you want it."
"Of course I want it. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't want it" I told myself "but...."

Aaaahhhh but.... qualifying my want. But - I'm struggling with other things in my life. It's all too hard.

WOW. Really? Am I not able to fit in one hour a day to exercise? Am I not capable of putting one foot in front of the other? Am I not capable of not putting that bad food choice in my mouth?

After years of depression and self hatred, I have gone from being extremely hard on myself and hating myself to being incredibly soft; accepting myself and forgiving myself for every little thing. "It's okay. I haven't got the emotional capacity for this." What B.S.

I am in a good place mentally. I have a supportive partner. I am physically able. I have a flexible working and studying schedule. I have no more excuses.

Perhaps the only reason I have not achieved is because I didn't want to - really.

Many, many years ago, I stood at the door of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with two instructors by my side, about to do my first jump. My heart was pounding and there was a feeling of absolute fear. I was about to open my mouth to back out of it when I found myself free-falling. Rushing towards the ground and the half day training I had done that morning kicked in. I got the thumbs up from my instructor and pulled the chute and then I was all alone. Floating by myself in the sky, watching the sun set. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.

As I look towards Round 3 - I have that same fear but not because I'm going to back out. It's knowing I'm going to do it, but I have no idea what it is going to bring. What is it going to bring to my life? I am scared of the change. I am scared of not having any more excuses. I am scared of the consequences; of succeeding. BUT this time I am also excited. I have seen the incredible and inspirational changes that have come about from the hard work and determination of fellow 12WBTers and I am ready to reap the rewards for my hard work too. I'm ready to jump and to see what it brings.