I came to the realisation this week that I have been too easy on myself.
I have really missed out on achieving some really great things in the past 12 weeks because I have been too easy on myself. Accepted the excuses of it's all too hard.
They say that "where there is a will, there is a way." Evidently, I didn't have the will. If I did, I would have done it.
I was offended when someone said to me; "It depends how badly you want it."
"Of course I want it. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't want it" I told myself "but...."
Aaaahhhh but.... qualifying my want. But - I'm struggling with other things in my life. It's all too hard.
WOW. Really? Am I not able to fit in one hour a day to exercise? Am I not capable of putting one foot in front of the other? Am I not capable of not putting that bad food choice in my mouth?
After years of depression and self hatred, I have gone from being extremely hard on myself and hating myself to being incredibly soft; accepting myself and forgiving myself for every little thing. "It's okay. I haven't got the emotional capacity for this." What B.S.
I am in a good place mentally. I have a supportive partner. I am physically able. I have a flexible working and studying schedule. I have no more excuses.
Perhaps the only reason I have not achieved is because I didn't want to - really.
Many, many years ago, I stood at the door of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with two instructors by my side, about to do my first jump. My heart was pounding and there was a feeling of absolute fear. I was about to open my mouth to back out of it when I found myself free-falling. Rushing towards the ground and the half day training I had done that morning kicked in. I got the thumbs up from my instructor and pulled the chute and then I was all alone. Floating by myself in the sky, watching the sun set. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.
As I look towards Round 3 - I have that same fear but not because I'm going to back out. It's knowing I'm going to do it, but I have no idea what it is going to bring. What is it going to bring to my life? I am scared of the change. I am scared of not having any more excuses. I am scared of the consequences; of succeeding. BUT this time I am also excited. I have seen the incredible and inspirational changes that have come about from the hard work and determination of fellow 12WBTers and I am ready to reap the rewards for my hard work too. I'm ready to jump and to see what it brings.