Monday, November 22, 2010

Week 10 - day 1. Re-commit

If only I could lose weight as quickly as I change my mind. :) This mind change wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for a lovely lady who gave me a much needed kick up the bottom (you know who you are Bozzy!).

My previous post was very one-sided. Of course, there are people I have befriended on this journey but I think I was looking for something more. I think I needed people to connect to on many different levels not just on the 12WBT challenge level. I really feel like I've done that now. Although my friend is far away, I will think of her when I'm out there trying to kick her ass in the new challenge she has set up.

So this is my official "I'm not really giving up" re-commit. I am determined to crack this nut and to get my weight down to a healthy weight range. And by nut, I mean my head! It is where the problems lie.

Physically I'm fine. Mentally is where I have the issues and seems to be the thing that is stopping my perfect body from operating the way I need it to to lose this weight.

So what am I going to do different this time - I am going to attempt to "juggernaut" myself -so even when I want to stop, I can't - I just keep going. I was doing really well and then it was like I couldn't deal with my success so started the sabotage.

I think part of the issue is that if I succeed at losing this weight, then I have to acknowledge I could have done this all along. I've been living in misery about my weight for years and years and years and I could have done something about it. There is a big fear around losing the weight that I need to let go of. What if I lose this weight and I'm still not happy?

The personal pay offs for me to losing this weight - are not clear to me. I think that if I lost weight - I'd feel happier with myself. I would find it easier to find clothes.

Part of the problems is that

**I feel I am physically capable of doing all the things I want to do at this weight. I have no desire to run a marathon, compete in a triathlon or have to exercise 5x a week for the rest of my life.

**I don't see any of the health implications for myself at this weight that others may have. Are they going to come? My doctor told me it's like I am carrying around a 40kg back pack ALL the time - placing extra strains on my joints etc that will wear down quicker over time.

**I have a partner who loves me no matter what size I am. I don't feel like I need to lose weight to maintain my relationship.

**In some ways, it is easier to stay where I am - emotionally and physically. I just don't think I am up to the constant mental changes in stopping my emotional eating and making myself exercise.

At the end of the day, there seems to be no real purpose to it all. A half-hearted desire to be 65kilos does not seem to be enough to get me out the door or make me eat right.

I really need to sit down and think about all this..... oh and why I am thinking about it - I think I might just go for a run as well!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Officially giving up.

I am so stuck right now. There are no great tragedies in my life, there is nothing wrong with me - I know it is all just mind games but I am right on the verge of complete "miserable-ness". Not just for 12WBT but for my whole life.

I'm not coping with anything much from finance to housework to friendships (I have none). My life has felt so empty since I moved to this place at the beginning of the year and I thought the 12WBT would go some way to filling that void. I thought regular exercise, concentrating on eating right and "making friends" through the 12WBT would help but ultimately it hasn't. It has just enlarged my isolation as I completely, totally and utterly fail at achieving anything - including making connections with people.

I get it - I understand - why would anyone want to be friends with such a whining, sad sack. The thing is I'm not always like this. And I tried so hard to be friendly, supportive etc to people but it just seems to be another thing I'm not good at.

If anything, I feel like my attempt to do the 12WBT has just shown what a failure I am and how pathetic I am at "making friends".

So now I officially give up. Although - realistically, I gave up about 2 weeks ago but was just in denial.

It hasn't left me with nothing - it's left me with the ability to make better food choices (although less of that has been happening recently), I have watched the journey of amazing people and it's given me hope that my mum is starting to make some small changes in her life that might see her reduce her 170kg weight down to ?? who knows.

It seems the sky's the limit - for everyone but me.

NOTE - Just read my previous post - Apparently I officially gave up in Week 7! Go me!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Rd3 Wk 7 - FAIL

Nope. Didn't do it. Not happening.

Food out the window - Exercise out the window. Care factor out the window and I can't get it back. I have officially given up on myself.

I feel so isolated and alone and I just don't function that way. I need to be with and around people. I need to feel like I am contributing something to society. I need to have friends... and it's just not happening.

Since I moved - I am out of sight, out of mind for my old friends. And I don't even have new friends.....

My study isn't working out. My work isn't working out. I do both of these things from home - BY MYSELF. At the moment I am just a voice in cyberspace and not even a very loud one....

There is more doubt in my head than ever - and not just about 12WBT, but about every little thing in my life.

I am so tired of doing everything on my own and in my own head. Ironically - even this blog.

I'm not asking for pity - I just needed to shout it out to the universe and listen to it quietly echo in the vast darkness.....

LOL! I am such a drama queen. : ) But that's just the way I roll.