Friday, September 17, 2010

Face Full of Tears

So back to my break through moment.

I found myself bawling my eyes out again....

The catalyst was a reply from Mish to me on one of the forums. She gave me the answers I already knew (as well as a good kick up the backside!)and all I could think was so why? Why is this still an issue? I know this, I shouldn't need someone else to tell me. And it dawned on me that I do know what I have to do(thanks to Mish)and I do have the ability to do it. And I immediately wanted to run the other way and not do it but than an even deeper urge kicked in and there was a knowledge that I am going to do this..... that made me feel even worse than running away.

I think it's because I'm actually crossing that barrier of believing in myself. Of believing that I can get to a healthy weight. Up until today I have been thinking I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel but I've changed the goal posts because I know I am going to lose this weight once and for all. I realised the whole "I'll get to 70 kilos and see how I feel" thing was lip service. It was a "I'll get there when I get there" type goal and it wasn't moving me forward.

So I am setting myself a definite goal. I am going to lose 42 kilos to get my weight down to 60 kilos. And I will NEVER be here again. And that realisation completely overwhelmed me..... Why do I feel so scared about losing this weight? Why does believing I can achieve this make me feel like I am exposing myself? That really, deep down I am a fraud and won't get there.... That when I get there, I still won't be happy.... OMG!!! These tears have been releasing all that. Letting them go and I feel like that on the other side of these tears is real hope, real "destiny" (for want of a better word), real determination and, for once, real self-belief.

I'm not stopping. Ever. I am going to be 60 kilos and I will be 60 kilos (give or take a couple of kilos) for the rest of my life because I deserve it. (Even typing that makes me want to cry....uuuurrrrgggghhh!!)

Not believing in myself, not believing that I deserve it - got me to where I am today. I'm ready to push past it - fear or no fear, tears or no tears. It's time for me to come out on top.

My name is Lee-Ann Baker and I am going to lose 42 kilos in weight. I don't know how long it is going to take me but I am going to get there, day by day, week by week - making good food choices and training hard. And I'm going to do it with Team 12WBT - start together and finish together.

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