So day 1 - I should be pumped! Ready to kick it - right???
I sure was! For the first half of the day anyway; then it began to drag. I felt like I was never going to get to my boxing class and by the time it came around I had argued with my other half and I just wanted to lock myself away and cry.
Then I realised I had splattered pumpkin soup all over my work out top - nothing else to change in to so I got out the wet cloth and fixed that.
Then I couldn't find my heart rate monitor and still all I wanted to do was cry. I kept telling myself just get in the car and go for a drive. Make yourself feel better.
Also there a couple of skinny minnie young girls (prob 18-20) in the boxing class who like to stare at me and giggle behind their hands at me. (This is not just paranoia but I have chosen to ignore them.) The last thing I wanted to do was burst in to tears while exercising in front of them.
So I had every reason "in my mind" not to go. I walked out the door with everything I needed to go to the gym while thinking in my head I am just going to go for a drive, maybe get a coffee and take some time out for me.
But somehow I couldn't drive past the gym, I found myself in the car park and still dragging my feet - I walked in. Encouragingly, there were some brand new people there that I was able to encourage and I made the effort to chat with an older lady there. My heart was still not in it. I still wanted to walk away.. but I didn't.
I worked #@*& hard! I burnt 713 Calories in just under an hour and when I noticed the girls having their usual giggle I just worked harder.
NOBODY OR ANYTHING is going to stop me from getting to where I want to be. I will not let my emotions get in the way, I will not let other people's attitudes get in the way and I will not give up.
I have a size 16 t-shirt waiting for me with Never, ever, ever give up on it - and that is what I'll be doing!! I won't be wearing it for long though, because I'll be reaching for the Size 14 top next!!
Showing posts with label 12WBT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 12WBT. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I'm out of excuses! Preparing to free fall!
I came to the realisation this week that I have been too easy on myself.
I have really missed out on achieving some really great things in the past 12 weeks because I have been too easy on myself. Accepted the excuses of it's all too hard.
They say that "where there is a will, there is a way." Evidently, I didn't have the will. If I did, I would have done it.
I was offended when someone said to me; "It depends how badly you want it."
"Of course I want it. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't want it" I told myself "but...."
Aaaahhhh but.... qualifying my want. But - I'm struggling with other things in my life. It's all too hard.
WOW. Really? Am I not able to fit in one hour a day to exercise? Am I not capable of putting one foot in front of the other? Am I not capable of not putting that bad food choice in my mouth?
After years of depression and self hatred, I have gone from being extremely hard on myself and hating myself to being incredibly soft; accepting myself and forgiving myself for every little thing. "It's okay. I haven't got the emotional capacity for this." What B.S.
I am in a good place mentally. I have a supportive partner. I am physically able. I have a flexible working and studying schedule. I have no more excuses.
Perhaps the only reason I have not achieved is because I didn't want to - really.
Many, many years ago, I stood at the door of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with two instructors by my side, about to do my first jump. My heart was pounding and there was a feeling of absolute fear. I was about to open my mouth to back out of it when I found myself free-falling. Rushing towards the ground and the half day training I had done that morning kicked in. I got the thumbs up from my instructor and pulled the chute and then I was all alone. Floating by myself in the sky, watching the sun set. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.
As I look towards Round 3 - I have that same fear but not because I'm going to back out. It's knowing I'm going to do it, but I have no idea what it is going to bring. What is it going to bring to my life? I am scared of the change. I am scared of not having any more excuses. I am scared of the consequences; of succeeding. BUT this time I am also excited. I have seen the incredible and inspirational changes that have come about from the hard work and determination of fellow 12WBTers and I am ready to reap the rewards for my hard work too. I'm ready to jump and to see what it brings.
I have really missed out on achieving some really great things in the past 12 weeks because I have been too easy on myself. Accepted the excuses of it's all too hard.
They say that "where there is a will, there is a way." Evidently, I didn't have the will. If I did, I would have done it.
I was offended when someone said to me; "It depends how badly you want it."
"Of course I want it. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't want it" I told myself "but...."
Aaaahhhh but.... qualifying my want. But - I'm struggling with other things in my life. It's all too hard.
WOW. Really? Am I not able to fit in one hour a day to exercise? Am I not capable of putting one foot in front of the other? Am I not capable of not putting that bad food choice in my mouth?
After years of depression and self hatred, I have gone from being extremely hard on myself and hating myself to being incredibly soft; accepting myself and forgiving myself for every little thing. "It's okay. I haven't got the emotional capacity for this." What B.S.
I am in a good place mentally. I have a supportive partner. I am physically able. I have a flexible working and studying schedule. I have no more excuses.
Perhaps the only reason I have not achieved is because I didn't want to - really.
Many, many years ago, I stood at the door of a plane 10,000 feet in the air with two instructors by my side, about to do my first jump. My heart was pounding and there was a feeling of absolute fear. I was about to open my mouth to back out of it when I found myself free-falling. Rushing towards the ground and the half day training I had done that morning kicked in. I got the thumbs up from my instructor and pulled the chute and then I was all alone. Floating by myself in the sky, watching the sun set. One of the most amazing experiences of my life.
As I look towards Round 3 - I have that same fear but not because I'm going to back out. It's knowing I'm going to do it, but I have no idea what it is going to bring. What is it going to bring to my life? I am scared of the change. I am scared of not having any more excuses. I am scared of the consequences; of succeeding. BUT this time I am also excited. I have seen the incredible and inspirational changes that have come about from the hard work and determination of fellow 12WBTers and I am ready to reap the rewards for my hard work too. I'm ready to jump and to see what it brings.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
What happened???
Wow! I honestly don't know where the last 2 months have gone..... And here I am, only a smidgen closer to my weight loss goals and a mile away from my fitness goals.
Right from the beginning, I have managed to make excuses. I have to recognise I am stronger than my self-defeating excuses and that I can do so much more.
I honestly feel like I am going to pull through with Round 3. Round 2 has set me up with a new mindset. I have seen other people push themselves above and beyond (MrsHethro....) and achieve incredible results. I want to be there beside them. I want to be an achiever too and I am sick and tired of being the 100 kilo person.
My goal for Round 3 is to bust through the 100s and even the 90s and get well in to the 80s!!! I'm going to set one of those BHAG (BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOALS) that Mish keeps talking about. Time to hit a new high (or new low, as I prefer to think about it...).
I understand what it is going to take this time. So I am going to push through and DO IT!!!!
Right from the beginning, I have managed to make excuses. I have to recognise I am stronger than my self-defeating excuses and that I can do so much more.
I honestly feel like I am going to pull through with Round 3. Round 2 has set me up with a new mindset. I have seen other people push themselves above and beyond (MrsHethro....) and achieve incredible results. I want to be there beside them. I want to be an achiever too and I am sick and tired of being the 100 kilo person.
My goal for Round 3 is to bust through the 100s and even the 90s and get well in to the 80s!!! I'm going to set one of those BHAG (BIG HAIRY AUDACIOUS GOALS) that Mish keeps talking about. Time to hit a new high (or new low, as I prefer to think about it...).
I understand what it is going to take this time. So I am going to push through and DO IT!!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Black hole and Good Intentions
So I wandered in to a black hole of excuses and "time issues", just in time for the beginning of the 12WBT.
I am beginning to wonder if I can take myself at my word! Can I trust myself? Who am I trying to impress by making all these grand statements about what I will or won't do? I thought by saying it, it would make me do it.... Not so far. But it has been good to look at the words I have written because they were written with good intent and they are good words. They are true to what I want but they haven't moved from words to action. These words are going to move me out of the black hole and get my mind in the right place. I am most of the way there with my food, now the exercise has to follow.
Eight days in to the challenge and I have done my first proper session of exercise, in my house. I can do that every day. I have no excuse. I can always find an hour in the day to put in some hard fitness and I will in future. I have also come to recognise that I need the gym.
I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to join up at a local gym. It was what kept me training for 12 months and I miss it so badly. I need the companionship, I need the challenge, I need someone to be impressed. The rest of my world is so virtual at the moment - I work alone over the internet for someone interstate, I study by correspondence, I have so little human contact outside my immediate family that I don't think I can do this challenge virtually as well. I need human contact to help keep me accountable and to push me to my limits! It is the only way to go ahead.
I am going to crawl my way out of this black hole by reflecting on my good intentions and turning them in to action. Woooohooooo!
I am beginning to wonder if I can take myself at my word! Can I trust myself? Who am I trying to impress by making all these grand statements about what I will or won't do? I thought by saying it, it would make me do it.... Not so far. But it has been good to look at the words I have written because they were written with good intent and they are good words. They are true to what I want but they haven't moved from words to action. These words are going to move me out of the black hole and get my mind in the right place. I am most of the way there with my food, now the exercise has to follow.
Eight days in to the challenge and I have done my first proper session of exercise, in my house. I can do that every day. I have no excuse. I can always find an hour in the day to put in some hard fitness and I will in future. I have also come to recognise that I need the gym.
I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to join up at a local gym. It was what kept me training for 12 months and I miss it so badly. I need the companionship, I need the challenge, I need someone to be impressed. The rest of my world is so virtual at the moment - I work alone over the internet for someone interstate, I study by correspondence, I have so little human contact outside my immediate family that I don't think I can do this challenge virtually as well. I need human contact to help keep me accountable and to push me to my limits! It is the only way to go ahead.
I am going to crawl my way out of this black hole by reflecting on my good intentions and turning them in to action. Woooohooooo!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Roller Coasters and Masks
So it's been a few days since I last blogged..... I have had so many ups and downs over the past week and a bit that I just simply haven't wanted to document the roller coaster ride each day!
One of the ups is that I am really pleased I have kicked my diet soft drink habit. I'm 9 days in and have had to forcibly stop myself from seeking out "something" to put in my mouth when I've felt stressed or bored. It particularly hit home at work where I would normally drink 3-4 cans of diet soft drink a day!
Without it, I have realised how bored I am at work and how quick I am to "mask" those feelings with eating and/or drinking. With such a simple change comes a whole heap of clear thinking. I am so much more aware of how often I am feeling certain things and have started addressing them instead of masking them with food and/or drink.
One of the downs is that I haven't exercised since I joined the challenge. It has been about 6 months since I last properly exercised. The really disappointing part is that I was exercising 5-6 times a week for a whole year prior to this current lull and now I feel too intimidated by my own feats of the past to get back in to it. I can feel the disappointment before I even set foot out there, that I have lost all the fitness I worked so hard for - it is particularly evident in the weight I have put back on - 15 kilos in the last 6 months.
So while I continue on this roller coaster ride, I'm going to make the commitment that never again in my life will a whole week pass when I have not at least exercised once and most weeks at least 3-4 times a week.
Why? Because I am worth it and so is everyone else on this challenge. You are worth every minute you take to improve yourself.
One of the ups is that I am really pleased I have kicked my diet soft drink habit. I'm 9 days in and have had to forcibly stop myself from seeking out "something" to put in my mouth when I've felt stressed or bored. It particularly hit home at work where I would normally drink 3-4 cans of diet soft drink a day!
Without it, I have realised how bored I am at work and how quick I am to "mask" those feelings with eating and/or drinking. With such a simple change comes a whole heap of clear thinking. I am so much more aware of how often I am feeling certain things and have started addressing them instead of masking them with food and/or drink.
One of the downs is that I haven't exercised since I joined the challenge. It has been about 6 months since I last properly exercised. The really disappointing part is that I was exercising 5-6 times a week for a whole year prior to this current lull and now I feel too intimidated by my own feats of the past to get back in to it. I can feel the disappointment before I even set foot out there, that I have lost all the fitness I worked so hard for - it is particularly evident in the weight I have put back on - 15 kilos in the last 6 months.
So while I continue on this roller coaster ride, I'm going to make the commitment that never again in my life will a whole week pass when I have not at least exercised once and most weeks at least 3-4 times a week.
Why? Because I am worth it and so is everyone else on this challenge. You are worth every minute you take to improve yourself.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Getting Real
I think I may have a new addiction coming on - The 12WBT Forums! Everyone I have "met" so far has been very supportive and very informative. I am looking forward to the challenge to begin and think I am getting in to the right head space. Hoorah!
So part of getting real for me is acknowledging what I have done to myself over the past 7 months. I've gone from someone who was exercising 4-6 times a week to no exercise at all for the past 6 months. I have virtually regained the 15 kilos I lost last year. My disappointment is palpable. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I need my energy for getting back on track.
The scales informed me this morning that I have hit 105 kilos.. Ouch. Reality hurts.
I will be measuring my centimetres too because I don't lose weight easily. Last year in a period of 3 months I only lost 6.5 kilos but went from a Size 20 to a Size 16. I lost heaps of centimetres from my tummy, thighs and waist as I built heaps of muscle.
So, it's time to get real. No more dwelling in the glories or failures of the past but focus on the now and get my butt moving!
So part of getting real for me is acknowledging what I have done to myself over the past 7 months. I've gone from someone who was exercising 4-6 times a week to no exercise at all for the past 6 months. I have virtually regained the 15 kilos I lost last year. My disappointment is palpable. But I'm not going to beat myself up about it - I need my energy for getting back on track.
The scales informed me this morning that I have hit 105 kilos.. Ouch. Reality hurts.
I will be measuring my centimetres too because I don't lose weight easily. Last year in a period of 3 months I only lost 6.5 kilos but went from a Size 20 to a Size 16. I lost heaps of centimetres from my tummy, thighs and waist as I built heaps of muscle.
So, it's time to get real. No more dwelling in the glories or failures of the past but focus on the now and get my butt moving!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Journey Begins Again
I don't think I can count the number of times I've been at this place.
Believing this will be the last time I'm ever going to diet. That I'm going to reach my goal.
Now my goal is self-satisfaction, it's not just about getting fitter or losing weight. It's about being happy and being happy to be me. Perhaps the rest will follow. Perhaps not.
Don't get me wrong - I'm going to be exercising like a crazed woman (there have been times in the past I've actually enjoyed that) and striving to eat the healthiest I can but my goal is not to be thin or healthy or fit, my goal within all that is to be at peace with myself and to find the happiness with myself that has evaded me for so long!
I'm going to do this to get back to being the person I want to be. The person I want to present to the world instead of hiding behind these layers of fat.
Believing this will be the last time I'm ever going to diet. That I'm going to reach my goal.
Now my goal is self-satisfaction, it's not just about getting fitter or losing weight. It's about being happy and being happy to be me. Perhaps the rest will follow. Perhaps not.
Don't get me wrong - I'm going to be exercising like a crazed woman (there have been times in the past I've actually enjoyed that) and striving to eat the healthiest I can but my goal is not to be thin or healthy or fit, my goal within all that is to be at peace with myself and to find the happiness with myself that has evaded me for so long!
I'm going to do this to get back to being the person I want to be. The person I want to present to the world instead of hiding behind these layers of fat.
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